What it’s actually like when your brain says “nope” to everything

So my mom and I had this conversation about something called Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA), and honestly, it explained a lot about why I am the way I am. She’d been reading about it and wanted to talk through whether it fit my experiences. Spoiler alert: it really does.

What Even Is PDA?

According to what my mom found, PDA is basically when your nervous system freaks out at demands and expectations. It’s considered part of the autism spectrum – another way brains can work differently. But here’s the thing that really clicked for me:

It’s all about control.

When someone tells me to do something, even if I was already planning to do it, my brain immediately goes “NOPE.” And I explained it to my mom like this:

“One of my biggest pet peeves with you and dad specifically is there are times when I’m genuinely planning to do something productive, and then you or dad come in and basically say, ‘Troy, go do this. Troy, go do that,’ and then I don’t. The reason for that is because that immediately takes away any accomplishment I would have felt from doing it.”

Like, I could literally be thinking “I should probably clean my room,” and then my parents walk in and say “go clean your room,” and suddenly I don’t want to do it anymore. It’s not spite – it’s just how my brain works.

The PDA Playbook (According to What We Read)

My mom found this list of PDA characteristics, and honestly, they’re pretty spot-on:

• Avoiding ordinary demands like it’s your job ✓
• Getting creative with avoidance – negotiation, distraction, role play, straight-up refusal ✓
• Being social on the surface but having identity stuff going on ✓
• Mood swings driven by needing control ✓
• Being comfortable with pretending and role play ✓
• Getting obsessive about other people ✓

The negotiation thing especially – my mom called me out on this. I negotiate everything. It’s like haggling at a market, but for chores.

PDA vs Just Being “Defiant”

This was a big revelation. Apparently, there’s something called Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) where kids are just straight-up oppositional. But PDA is different – it’s not about wanting to oppose people, it’s about your nervous system getting dysregulated when you feel like you’ve lost control.

My mom gave this example: if a teacher said “time for a math test,” I’d freak out. But if they said “let’s solve some problems” or “let’s play some math games,” I’d be fine. Same activity, different framing. It’s wild how much context matters.

What Actually Works (Shocking: Not Yelling)

Give Me Options, Not Orders

Instead of “Troy, do this,” try “Troy, you need to either do dishes or start laundry.” Boom – my brain thinks it has control because I get to choose. It’s simple but it works.

The Checklist That Actually Worked

My mom tried this system where she’d give me a list of like five things, and I just had to do one thing, check it off, then go do whatever I wanted. After some time, I’d come back and pick the next thing.

Honestly? It was pretty brilliant. I got to do my gaming or whatever between tasks, so it didn’t feel like one endless slog of chores. Plus, I got to pick what to do next.

The only problem was getting my dad on board. As I told my mom: “He was never on board with anything that is progressive in terms of parenting.” So that was a whole thing.

My Theory: The “Unscrupulous Side Quests”

I’ve developed my own terminology for the most annoying type of parental request – the “unscrupulous side quest.” Here’s how it works:

Dad: “Troy, help me move some stuff in the attic. It’ll take 20 minutes.”

Three hours later, we’re cleaning the entire attic

Me: “What the hell?”

It’s always manual labor, and it’s always a scam in terms of time. I don’t mind helping, but be honest about what you’re asking. If we’re cleaning the whole attic, just say that. Don’t tell me we’re moving “some stuff” when you mean “everything that’s ever been stored up there.”

I sent my mom this meme from Red Dead Redemption 2 that perfectly captures how I feel during these situations. It’s about building what’s supposed to be “a little house” that turns into this massive construction project.

The Time Factor

Here’s something I’ve figured out about myself: if I think something is a waste of time, I don’t want to do it. Period.

“There are other things I’d much rather do with my time, and things that I think would be more productive for my time, and this is just wasting it.”

And the timing thing is huge. When my mom says I need to do something RIGHT NOW, it’s frustrating because I can’t do it on my own timeline. I have to drop into her timeframe, and that’s what gets to me.

All the Things That Can Set It Off

According to what we discussed, PDA can be triggered by tons of different “demands”:

• Expectations (the big one)
• Time limits
• Having plans made for you
• Transitions (though honestly, I’d drop anything for lunch)
• Questions (I told my mom she asks too many questions and it feels like interrogation)
• Having to make decisions
• Uncertainty
• Even your own body being hungry or thirsty

That last one is interesting. Like when I tell someone I’m hungry and they’re like “no, you don’t need to eat right now.” It’s like… I have the opportunity to not be hungry, why would I choose to stay hungry?

Parenting Strategies That Don’t Suck

What my mom learned works better:

1. Skip the direct commands – just don’t
2. Pick your battles – not everything is worth fighting over
3. Celebrate partial wins – if I put away the silverware but not all the dishes, that’s still something
4. Let me have some control over rewards – don’t make me jump through hoops for three months to get one thing I want

The Great Reward Chart Failure

We tried a point system once. I got the one thing I wanted and immediately checked out. As I told my mom: “All the stuff was so far out of reach it would take three months of constant chore, chore, chore to get the thing I wanted. It was so tedious.”

If you’re going to do rewards, make them actually achievable. Don’t make kids work for months for basic stuff they want.

The Bottom Line

Look, PDA isn’t an excuse to never do anything. It’s just understanding that my brain works differently, and traditional “because I said so” parenting makes everything worse.

The strategies that work are the ones that let me keep some sense of control and autonomy. Give me choices, be honest about expectations, don’t spring surprise mega-tasks on me, and maybe don’t interrupt me when I’m already planning to be productive.

It’s not rocket science, but it does require parents to actually think about how they’re asking for things, not just what they’re asking for.

And honestly? Once my mom figured this out, things got way less stressful for everyone. Too bad it took until I was older to put a name to it.

If any of this sounds familiar, maybe look into PDA. It’s not officially diagnosed yet, but it explains a lot about why some of us aren’t just being “difficult” – our brains literally work differently when it comes to demands and control.